Nov 30, 2007

makati standoff: media overkill

When i was 10, everyone who asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up got two answers - a writer and a broadcaster. as such, i pursued a that career path in college. i took communication arts in up baguio, majoring in broadcast communication. when household fees got higher and i became a different me in school, i was brought back to manila, got out of up and transferred to ue. since the communicationa rts course was dissolved teh year before i got in, i took the option of broadcast communication and after being enrolled in teh said school for a year and a half, i went awol. up til now, i am yet to reunite with the buildings of higher learning. but even without proper education about teh language and basics of broadcasing for almost two years, i am still in love with the thought of someday being on teh screens of everyon'e tv sets, reporting the news, live or otherwise.

but as the state of unrest in manila pen hotel subsides down, we see media mean get arrested one-by-one, with their video cameras, laptops, media news team vans confiscated and taken over. in addition, they are put inside buses, with the windows ordered shut. while on one corner, some media men are told they are ebing taken as witnesses AND suspects. but without batting an eyelash, defense sec. gen. cleared this issue by stating that they received information that some magdalo officials will pose as media men and civilian, that;'s why they had to arrest everyoneon site, including legit press people.

this is a scary sight.

no matter what their resons are, the media being treated as prisoners (with hands cuffed by plastic cable wires) are simply stepping on the bounds of democracy, of freedom of expression, and the right of the people to be informed.if prees freedom is reduced to this, what's next? to see before your very eyes one of teh most powerful and most influential part of teh society taken down just like that, you begin to wonder, what happens to us, then? if our ways of communciation are gagged up just like that, what happens to our voices?

to ponder on all of this, you start to wonder about the root of it all. are these certain officials merely doing it for control of power? or are they really working towards a brighter future for the people concerned but are not showing concern? blind governance?

what attracted me most to teh job of a broadcaster was simply because they get to be seen on tv, doing something that i know i can do - not singing, not dancing, not acting. but as time passed, i became aloof to news and current events which had my interest in that career seem to wane. but thanks to Tabak, not only did they renew my interest in the field, they also opened my eyes to the realities different people from all walks of life face in our society. i'd like to say i understand where the people involved in the manila pen incident, and all that happened thereon (media arrest primarily), are coming from. but i'm still learning.

**this is too much rant.

bad mommy case #1

(a repost from yesterday afternoon)
My bookmarks page has gone awol so i decided browsing the web for some mommy blogs. Ever since i became pregnant, i got fond of reading other mom's thoughts and even had teh capability to understand the way my own mom thinks. i guess that's just what happens when you experience how it is giving birth and all the other insanities that came with it.

so anyway, i found this mom diary wherein she had a monthly update of her son's activities. posted there are stuff like, her son's first smile, first laugh, first word, and a lot more. then i became inggit. sobra. i suddenly felt like i missed out a lot on putting what keisha has done and is doing on writing. i felt embarrased at having only two journal entries ever since keisha arrived. but tehn i realized, as i was reading other mommy blogs, i have a lifetime filling up pages with her. for now, i'd try to cherish every single moment i have with her. especially now that i'm returning to work in more than a couple of days.

yes, i am going to pursue this job offered to me. i already turned a couple and more and i think i just can't keep on turning them down. as time passes, eish is growing bigger and taller and her needs have now come in large quantities - her formula milk, her diapers... and we just can't afford her pedia anymore if i don't start getting paid bi-weekly. besides, this newest job offer is simply too good to pass up. i just have to do time management and drink lots of supplements to not amke me cranky everytime i need to be dearest-mommy.

oops. eish is wailing for her milk bottle!

Nov 27, 2007


i'm just stealing some time away as i type furiously on this keyboard while boyfriend dearest holds baby keisha in his arms. aww. such a sweet sight. and true enough, nothing ever really did prep me up for what is in front of me. (at my back, actually, since im facing teh computer screen while they're standing behind me, watching tv.)

it's seriously overwhelming having to see my two most loved persons in each other's company, in total and unmistakable peace. and these are rare times, i tell you. baby keisha can drive anyone crazy once she has one of her colic attacks. i admit, i do get a bit inis at times, more to myself, of course, for not being able to soothe any pain that might be the cause of her incosolable cries. but all in all, the intensity of the feelings her smiles and comfort brings far outweighs the scary thoughts of not being good enough for her when she cries.


oops. i now have her in my arms. suko si daddy mattie, she weighs 3.9 kgs already, imagine! a 1.7 kg growth in her weight after a month. i have to go now, she cried again and i had to pass her to matt again and i really really have to go now.

Nov 21, 2007

a real blessing

eish and i went to the hospital yesterday for her weekly pedia checkup. we went there by tric because it's near our place and besides, her dad didn't give us enough money for a cab ride. plus, it's realy hard to get a cab in our place. the enarest where we can get a cab is somewhere which already so near teh hospital it'd be stupid to even ride one.

anyway anyway, when we got to the hospital, i paid the manong tric a 20peso bill and he asked his friend to exchange the bill to get me my change. while waiting for his friend, he asked if my baby was a boy or a girl. i said she is a girl. then he told me how lucky i am to have a baby already because he and his wife have been trying to have one for 11 years now. i told him the time will come and he will just have to wait some more. thenhis friend came and i got my change.

all the way to teh pedia's room, i kept on thinking about what he said and it just dawned on me that no matter how untimely keisha's arrival was, i am still so very lucky. matt and i are still so very lucky because not everyone can get to have babies in their entire lifetime. and now i get to appreciate keisha more nad more (if ever that's possible). amnd everyday i feel more how much of a blessing she really truly is.

to be honest, not everyone would be all-smiles when they get first-hand knowledge of my daughter. some would even cringe and say, hey, aren't you too young to have a baby? or ahve you even finished your schooling, little girl? these things really tug at your heartstrings and make you think and look back on your past and it also makes you wish sometimes for the past to be back and take you with it. but i guess, now, i don't feel like that anymore.

i won't be plastic and say how very ultimately wonderful life has been after giving birth. i mean, it really hasn't given me enough sleep, enough time, enough anything. but i'm not complaining. it's been equally fulfilling (gehlo's word) and i just can't get enough of eish.

keisha has been such a blessing to everyone. to me, to matt, to our families. and i'm very positive with her future. matt and i promised to give her the best of what life has to offer. and we'll try our best to fulfill that promise to our little angel. after all the blessing she has awarded us with - her smiles, her laughter, her firm grips, she definitely deserves it all.

Nov 20, 2007

first mommy diary entry

i finally get some time to blog. honestly, after eish arrievd there was nothing else i could do but tend to her needs. and im not complaining. i love it so much. i love taking care of her, i love looking at her, i love talking to her, i love feeding her, i love changing her diapers, i love carrying her, i love putting manznilla on her stomach when she has one of her colic attacks..oh my the list just goes on and on.

we're at our house, by the way. we only get to spend the weekends with her dad at their house, from saturday afternoon when her dad picks us up adn until tuesday mornings, since matt doesn't have a class during mondays. he's having his 3-day retreat at tagaytay today pala. he's supposed to go home tomorrow. and we can't wait. i mean, we've never really spent more than a day apart in more than two years now. i's weird.

anyway, i'm supposed to go back to work yesterday. ict called me last friday and it took me until 10pm to sign the contract and have everything cleared and done. my trainingw as scheduled yesterday at 11am but i wasn't able to come since i couldn't have anyone look after eish for me. i mean, matt's not around, my mom's not able to take a leave and i just couldn't find myself a decent nanny. and even if i could, i feel like i don't have it in me to leave my baby with anyone i don't think i can trust. gosh. and i really really need to get back to work. i have a lot of bills piled up and a lot of things on our to-buy list.

i guess i don't know what to do right now. but i think my mom is right. she told me to simply take care fo eish as she grows. there are still a lot of jobs out there and they just have to wait. al;though im thinking, i've sent emails of my resume to a lot of different companies and i've been getting calls for invites to interviews but i just can't keep saying no. i mean, hello? i was the one who sent them in teh first place and when they take notice, i turn them down. may starcom and lola mo. taray.

oh wait. the new adventures of old christine is almost over. and it's time for sex and the city. good. it means i've been at this for almost half an hour already and she hasn't stirred or waken up or anything. which means she will in a few minutes time. you know, im still trying to keep track of her waking hours. usually, after she's fed, she sleeps for about 3hours and wakes up just to drink milk again. she doesn't complain of wee wee or poop in her diapers as long as she's fed. which is the reason why we found out last time she already has rashes in her butt area which we immediately fixed with lotion. the rashes are disappearing now but im not taking any chances and still put lotion on her buttocks. and i also do change her diaper every now and then, even if it's not too wet or even if she hasn't made poop yet. just to make sure. although it's costing us 160+ for a 24pc pack.

Sep 22, 2007

effing day

for the nth time, blogger has not failed to add to my frustrations for today. gad i am so mad. as much as i want to clear my mind of all the negativity i just can't help it. i am in the mood to kill someone right now. not just one actually. two. and i just have no idea what is stopping me. oh wait. baby keisha.

but seriously. it's all about stupidity. why in the world am i surrounded with persons so stupid they don't know the difference of of and off? im even guessing they can't wear socks that match. it's annoyingly painful. seriously.

oh my lord. i just don't know how in the world am i going to go to sleep. i really really want the hell out of here. it's not good for me, much more for the baby. i just feel so full of anger and i'm trying my fucking best to keep it at bay. (hey, i just found out that if i simply say 'mamaru' whenever these people annoy me, nothing comes out of their mouth next. they don't know what mamaru is. good.) and i have not succeeded earlier. i totally let myself unguarded and had my fists talk for me, which resulted to scrawgly marks on my arms. there are too many i can't actually make myself count them, lest i lose my breath over it.

argh. there are still so many things many many many things i can argue about endlessly. but right now i jsut feel so tired. and the 'save now' button reads could not contact so im taking that as a sign from the universe it's sleeping time.

Sep 21, 2007


i have been surfing the net for more than a couple of hours already. and now, i'm trying to customize my multiply site but it turns out its a really really hard process and can be quite frustrating especially if you do not have a fast internet connection.


and i wait. i wait. i wait.


i just realized it's almost 2pm and matt is about to take his exam for this subject in which he hates the prof. seriously, i cannot help but feel super inis at his prof for being so totally...her. basta. i'm not allowed to say anything else about this ever since matt and i had this huge row about this particular thing. it's just that i could not believe there are still people like her who are so deliciously hungry of money and all the power that comes with it. too bad.

.. i'm still waiting for my tabs to load...

finally. i managed to get that multiply site of mine a new look. i guess im such a sucker for things new. i mean, i'm not one to abhor changes. i embrace it. and it feels so refreshing. like when i got my blog all "lighted up" or something to that effect.

Sep 20, 2007

bored mommy

it's a thursday morning and i woke up at 5.30am so that i could give the money to matt to buy us tickets for the ateneo's uaap game this sunday. and now i'm stuck in front of my pc wasting time while waiting for matt to get home and get dressed and go to school. i've also uploaded some pictures on multiply - pictures taken a way way back.


i've been surfing the net for quite some time now and it's still not 10am yet. the release of thetickets at araneta is 9am kasi and im estimating na it'll take him 30mins to get the tickets and 30mins to travel back home. and i'm bored waiting.

Sep 19, 2007

september birthday celebrant no.1

today is my dad's birthday and i have not yet greeted him. but see, it doesn't really matter that much to him because he is not one to get mushy over something like this, even if it is his 50TH birthday. anyway, he didn't go to work today and just practically slept the whole day, waking up only to eat and now, he just went out to buy dinner, which i think is either of the two: 1, our annual take-out birthday dinner at max's (consisting of pansit, chopsuey, fresh lumpia, lumpiang shanghai, more more friend rice, salad, and of course, who could forget the chicken?) or; 2, a homecooked pansit with overflowing topppings you'd be so full with just one spoon. and of course, cake and ice cream. this is actually how we celebrate birthdays at our house. if the birthdate falls on a weekday, we do the above mentioned celebratory dinners. or, if it falls on a weekened, we'd have all our relatives from my father's side of the family to have this huge celebration. and for th e month of september, i have two titas, one tito, my dad and myself as celebrants. and since my birthday falls on the last date of the month, that's always when the celebration is. a typical filipino family set-up, like what matt always says.

speaking of matt, he was here a while ago. he was supposed to just pass by before going to school but on the way here he received a text from his classmate informing him today's class was cancelled so we ended up spending the day together, watching tv. i was supposed to go to qmmc for my check-up but the rains poured just when we were ready to go out and so i decided i'd go tomorrow. matt is with his classmates at this moment, playing basketball. oh wait, no, they just stopped playing. i heard the court was reserved for 4-6pm and it's already 6.22 so i guess they're done. i really really wanted to come with him and watch him play (i am so his biggest fan!) but whe found out there were no benches for me to sit on prettily while watching him so he said he'll be dropping by again later this evening.

oow. eish just made one of his "waves" haha. it's really cute. i just am so excited to see her na. i so can't wait to see how she would look like! of course, she'd be pretty like her mom and very healthy like her dad. (xempre sakin daw galing ang kagandahan. vain!)

Sep 18, 2007

my day, then some.

finally finally. after four attempts i managed to log-in to my blog account. finally. it really gets frustrating everytime i try to create a new post. i always always have trouble opening the blogger site and when i finally get there, my thoughts have gone poof! and as is obvious, i haven't written for quite some time now, making me much too much too bad of a blogger. anyway, here i am.

first things first matt didn't go to school today because he wanted badly to watch the uaap game between the ateneo and de la salle (a game which, unfortunately, la salle won). but way before watching the game on tv (again, unfortunately, we weren't able to get tickets due to the fact that according to the phiippine star broadsheet, the battle for the second spot would be this coming thursday and i pointed out to matt that i read from my multiply site that it was going to be held this tuesday so he researched and sadly, i was right. and we were late), we had planned on going to the sss diliman branch to process our ss id applications. the entire thing took us almost three hours. we got there by 10.30am and already, we were faced with such a long line and we had to wait in line for 2 and a half hours before getting our form evaluated and our pictures taken. plus plus plus, what made it excruciatingly painful was the fact that it was super bagal. seriously. they assigned four counters for the evaluation and they have only two counters open. then, for the data capture, they have three stations for it but only one station was open. how convenient. still, we managed to get it all done at around 1.30pm.

but after our lakad at sss, i still had to get my lab results from qmmc. the results were to determine the hepaB thingie complications. i couldn't really understand what the results read but there was a word there "non-reactive" and i'm taking it to be a good sign, i guess.

so finally, finally, after all that, we headed home and ate lunch (lechon paksiw, yum!) and took a bit of a rest before having our butts stuck on the couch and our eyes glued to the screen. and we watched the game. it was a sad loss but nonetheless, i still believe. this is the hail mary team. one big fight. what happened was la salle was just hungry for the win. they wanted it more. but i really have this gut feel that ateneo will get through this. 5 straight wins? no sweat. well, a lot of sweat, blood, and faith. one big fight.

now i don't want to end this post as is. of course, there'll be updates on my baby. well, she's been super likot. really. and i love it. i love every bit of it. although, of course, sometimes it gets really painful but what the heck, she's just trying to wriggle her way out. who am i to argue? pero not now baby ha, not muna..wait pa tayo for a few more weeks. oh, and also, i'm super inggit with matt. recently, we found out that when matt kisses my belly, eish sort of kisses back. and i'm really inggit. huhu. but matt tells me he's the one who's more inggit kasi eish is already inside me and i can feel her every move as compared to him, who only get to feel (and see) pieces of eish's moves. he even wishes it could be the other way around, like, him having to carry the baby in his belly and all. and it's really sweet.

i am so blessed to have matt with me. everytime we go to church and light a candle, or even just when i feel the urge to pray, i always am thankful first for matt before wishing for his safety. i just feel so blessed and i really think i wouldn't be able to get through with all this if not for him. even if, at times, i get mad and frustrated and throw it at him, i know he knows that i still love him. pero nakakainis din kasi that i spit really hurtful words and all i can say for it is i'm sorry and i really am but it tugs at my strings so bad. but like what he always says, it doesn't matter. he knows how i love him and he knows those words were said just in my angered state, therefore the words does not meaning anything at all.

10.57pm. still no text from matt. he and his groupmates went to ict ortigas to do a survey about the company's health insurance provider, in relation to their thesis. i am a bit inggit. ok. i am very very inggit. they get to do all these wonderful school stuff. and i just miss school. school is so fab! and now, i'm not part of it. but hey, no worries.

sigh. before i get into ranting about not being in school, i have to wrap this post up. my thoughts on school reserved for the next post.

Sep 12, 2007


my blog finally has a new look. well, it's technically not new but it is refreshingly light, no? sadly though, it's getting a bit late for my sleeping standards. seriously, eish is like kicking me nuts just to get me to bed. my baby's sleepy. so of course i have to obey to her every whim seeing as how it gets very painful once i try not to. but it actually benefits us both, the early sleeping time, longer time frames to do a lot of exercise (which is very limited to walking and some stretching), fruit cravings, calcium-infused chocolate milk drinks...the list goes on. and before i never get to hear (feel) the end of it, i'd better slack off.

sigh. you feel my blog breathe? breezy.

May 13, 2007


i have a splitting headache. it started yesterday when i was at boyfriend's house, spending the day away. i woke up late so i was in no hurry to go to work and decided i'd call-in-sick and i did. so after boyfriend's shift, we ate breakfast in chowking at kamuning and then went home to while away. and then the headaches started. it really made me cry. seriously. good thing i was with boyfriend, though. he at least soothed the pain for quite a bit. but this is actually unexpected, the migraine. i've been having migraine attack ( which actually caused me to be confined in a hospital) when iwas still a kid and some ocassional attacks when i was in high school. but i thought these things stopped when i entered college. boy was i wrong.

but really, it was quite unexpected since i haven't had a migraine attack for like, years now. and then here it comes again.

wait, is there really such a thing as unexpected? i mean, what do you think? like this migraine of mine, for example, was it really unexpected or did i just fail to notice the signs? like not fully drying my hair before going to sleep, too much exposure to the computer screen, disturbing ungodly work hours... i guess there's no such thing as unexpected. what we might not be expecting was already predicted by someone else to happen to us. or we just failed to see the signs leading to that certain event, or we didn't want to recognize the signs leading to the event. i don't know. it makes me a bit confused now.

**i've thought about this unexpected thing when i was lying in bed last night, nursing a splitting headache and me thinking just made it worse. i guess that's what happens when even your mind is too stubborn to listen to you.

May 6, 2007

everyday questions and your not-so-typical answers.

i have again, filled my post with a list of blogthings. i mean, i was just supposed to answer some random survey in the bulletin boards of friendster to pass some time before heading off to snoozeland but then i remembered blogthings and tada! here's what you get.

anyway, while i answer the questions at blogthings, i hear the senatoriables making up answers of their own in front of national tv and their opponents. and to eb honest, i got surprised at realizing there are some candidates i didn't even know had it in them to run. i mean, the shame? hahahahaha.

there are some tried and tested candidates who actually know what they're doing, i mean, aside from really understanding the questions and all, but hey, you can't blame those other wanna-bes.

some candidates who don't have any idea at all about politics just simply sway the questions and blow answers out of proportions, reeling away from the topic of it all. plis, when all else fails, just blame the effing gov't for chrissake. and tell everyone how good they are and how better off we can be with them in the seats.

i wish i could have watched this from the very beginning. i could have added some very interesting quotes here.

sigh. they're almost done anyway so i'd better get ready for sleeping.

**add-on: they have this questions from other candidates and lozano asked this: paano makakabawi sa milyun-milyong ginastos sa pangangampanya? i actually had to laugh at it but then it got corny since the one who's supposed to answer it was some guy who didn't even had any million to spend on his campaigning. imagine if it were some wealthy bussiness man like, say, pichay? hahahahaha!

blogthings addict.

Your Love Quote

Love is made by two people, in different kinds of solitude. It can be in a crowd, but in an oblivious crowd.

**this is actually nice. i didn't expect having to get a lovely random quote at one try. :)

Your Uncommon Name Is:

Dagny Cayla Crooker

**teehee. just imagine, if i had this name, my nickname would most probably be "dag" which most people would make laughing jokes and turn to "dawg"...which would sound like "dog." arf, arf, anyone?

Your Body Image is 8% Unhealthy, 92% Healthy

You have a great body image. You know that no one looks perfect, and you're happy the way you are.
Also, you don't judge other people on their looks... and it helps them feel better about their own bodies!

**seriously? i have a healthy image! seriously? really?

You Can Make 81% of Your Crushes Fall in Love With You

Admit it, you can seduce practically anyone. And sometimes you try just for fun.
You're a total heartbreaker that knows when to play it cool.
You are the type of person people go completely lovesick over. Just use your powers for good, okay?

**aww, just 81%? that's a bit low, don't you think? hahaha. ambisyosa!

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front.
Shy and private, you yearn for security.
You take relationships slowly.
You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.
What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

**i guess this reveals a lot...more for me, that is.

You Are 98% Feminist

You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man).
You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.
Are You a Feminist?

**i am a woman. and i want to live a life free of all distinctions for my body parts.

Your Stress Level is: 70%

You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now.
Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out.
Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only wa you'll get through the bad times.
How Stressed Are You?

**help me. this isn't good for me. a 70% level of stress is already over-the-top for me.

You Are Glam Sexy

You live for flaunting your sexiness, and you totally work it.
Why not? You've got the goods - you might as well use them.
You're 100% woman, and you never go out without looking your best.
After all, you never can tell when you might bump into Mr. Perfect!

a hearty morning.

i could seriously feel myself drowning in the cold winds that come after a slight pour. and all these is from the dynaflex fan that i got to steady at my side. ahh. i could just imagine myself at someplace cold, like the view deck at baguio. or just at some random terrace here and there, drawing all curtains to bask the room with all the sun's glory, while smelling the minty fresh scents of pine trees at an early morning.

and when i get back into the room, i find myself making a homemade breakfast for my still-sleepy boyfriend whom i wake up and stuff with bear hugs and early-morning cuddling. then i turn up the country sound from the music player we brought and eat a hearty meal i've prepared. we gush at the serenity of it all, talk about the places we'd be visiting, stores we'd haggle prices with the vendors at, chic restaurants we'd be filling ourselves with (this he can't come up with any ideas since we're eating and he's almost full and that's what happens to him when he's almost full - can't think of any more food.), long roads where we'd walk hand-in-hand with, and a million other things. we laugh at most, making faces with an imaginary camera. then really taking the digicam we brought with us and taking early bird shots.

we both go to the terrace with our cups of chocolates on our hands, with me snuggling close to him and breathing in his scent, mingled with the freshness of teh cold baguio morning. we stand at the deck and just stare at the poignant landscaoe, knowing how we'd ever be as close to such a beautifully set stage as this when we go back home. so we drown ourselves in the beauty, silently.

when i noticed that my cup of chocolate was near to being finished, i broke free from his grasp and went back to the room. i could feel the weight of his stare pierce holes through my retreating back, and i allow myself take pleasure in his loving stare. i meticuously clean all that's left of our breakfast in bed and unhurriedly walk to the sink and wash the dishes. he comes to me, embraces me from behind and shoves his used cup into the sink. i tell him we better get ready for the day and he kisses the sides of my neck before leaving to get the shower ready for our bath.

he takes the towels from the drawer and turns the shower knobs on for a hot bath. when he sees me getting done with teh dishes, he pulls me to him and we both get ready to bathe. as he finishes, i wash the hot oil conditioner off of my hair and reaches for the towel wrapped around his waist. he laughs it off and continues to unhurriedly brush his teeth. we get done with all the washing and cleaning and had to take time to finish off deciding which outfits to wear.

we both decide on donning shorts and slippers and light-fabric shirts with our white-on-green and yellow-on-brown tightfit jackets. we dump all our belongings, the music player, the digicam, the sunglasses, the wallets, the hankies, the powders, mirrors, combs and our bottle of water at the mesh messenger bag he brought for me especially for this trip. we then fish the keys from the glass bowl and close the door behind us, totally ready for the day ahead.

un-complicate me.

i have long since forgotten my blog. i guess that's what happens when you overwhelm yourself with stuff (plain, out-of-this-world-or-age stuff) you're not supposed to overwhelm yourself in, like say, five more years or so. but hey, that's me. always in such a hurry to grow up.

i have had a lot of down times the past few days. or the past three months, more like...

gawd. i'm stuck. i'm serious. teh only time i ever truly got into writing another set of paragraphs or lists of rants and raves or strung phrases for stanzas of poetry was like a zillion years ago. well, more like months ago. and i feel bad. this is a bad case of writer's block, if you could call it that. and i know i've been complaining about this for a long time already but i just can't help it. i wanted to be more. i wanted to do more. i should be moving on than letting myself get stuck like this.

but in the hopes of defending my worn-out lithe frameless body, i can't really blame me. i've lost track of all time i thought i had when i decided on doing this one thing i've been doing for more than a year now. it's like, i don't even own my time. i don't een anything to call "my time." and it's sad. i've been putting on a lot of things and i guess i've put off on doing the one thing love most (writing) for too long. but when i get home, i am so freaking tired all i want to do is get sleep time. i don't even get to eat dinner at home anymore. why?i don't have the time! i have to sleep as much as i can to be able to prep myself up for the next day. and the next day? i again won't be able to do what i want to do at work since, you guessed right, i don't have the time! i have to focus all on my work or else. and when i get off from work, there are a lot of other responsibilities i have to attend to, which i do not regret for the most part, because that's when i get to spend time with matt. but do you see where it all leaves me? i am left with no time for me. great. just great.

then this happens. only a few people know about this, mostly my officemates since they're the ones i get to be with for the most part of my days. and i'm not saying they're not being thoroughly supportive of it, i know they are. they're worried and concerned. but i guess, that's not teh concern i'm looking for. i even have times i want this thing to end but when i'm with matt, ijust wish for this to speed up, you know?

aargh. basta. things are complicated. this is complicated. i am complicated.

**thanks to matt for times he un-complicates me.

Apr 8, 2007

bad blogger. bad bad.

i was just about to write and tell teh whole world about how bad of a blogger i am for leaving my blog hanging on the air for more than a month long but then, i just remembered the many chores i had to do - the laundry, the dishes, the bed, the living room... my, all those dust. i have to get to do all of these. after i get myself cleaned up, that is.

oh wait, i guess it is a lot better bathing after rather than before and risk getting dust particles stick on me after i had just taken a bath.

anyway, i put the desperate houswives season2 on dvd and hopefully it'll help me get through with all things that needed to be done.

Mar 2, 2007

tell me.

if you'd accept surrender, i'll give up some more. -walking after you

whenever you lose something, at most cases, that's the only time you evr truly realize it's worth. stupid. totally. i know. i am.

i am somber
of all the faults i've put you through.
i am weakened
by all the pain i've caused of you.
i am strangled
of all the words i've cursed you through.
i am bruised
by all the straps i've enclosed on you.

so if you would please

melt the shards of glass piercing
amass the tears, your handkerchief staining
tinker the bolts of faith loosening
tame the mended wings flying.

if you would please

hold me
then break me
cradle me close
then push me

further and further
til i'm no longer..

looking, falling fading.

but if you would please
could you just please
come back home.
come back home.


tell me all you need and i will try. i will be free for you anytime. - more than anyone

Feb 14, 2007

heart's day

it's heart's day. and i just wanted to sneak away some time before boyfriend and i meet up to celebrate it at bread talk in megamall. we're actually thinking of going to a starbucks chain in ghills but figured, hey, with just 390 bucks, we better save ourselves some time and have more fun hanging out at the mall than sitting by some coffee shop. although i would really really love to have my venti caramel frappe...hmm. i wonder.

so, a big happy happy heart's day to everybody.

and p.s. dear boyfriend, i know i've done too much too many mistakes in my life, in our life. but i'm still here, not giving up, holdingon for dear life. i won't let go, baby starboy blue.

Feb 13, 2007

infinitely stupid.

change, let's walk through life. pretending we're everything we're supposed to be. and at the end of the day. let's take off our masks. and drop dead for the rest of eternity.

let's fly through pages. let's leaf through dances. this is our flight, this is our fight.
let's walk to go to the ride. let's stay to get ahead of the unmoving bride.
but no, don't cry. everybody just lies.
and do so. lie.
in my arms are melodies i've strung for you.
in my mind are nestles of phrases i've written for you.

don't let me die.

Feb 12, 2007

my boyfriend

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Matt Aquino!

  1. A bride should wear something old, something new, something borrowed, and Matt Aquino.
  2. Lightning strikes Matt Aquino over seven times every hour.
  3. India tested its first nuclear Matt Aquino in 1974.
  4. Matt Aquino can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time.
  5. Abraham Lincoln, who invented Matt Aquino, was the only US president ever granted a patent!
  6. Matt Aquino is the only one of the original Seven Wonders of the World that still survives!
  7. In 1982 Time Magazine named Matt Aquino its 'Man of the Year'!
  8. If you chew gum while peeling Matt Aquino then it will stop you from crying!
  9. Matt Aquino is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
  10. Half a cup of Matt Aquino contains only seventeen calories.
I am interested in - do tell me about

Feb 11, 2007

i've a 5 day rest from all the hazards work has done to my body. yay.

Feb 1, 2007

segue suck.

wow. i finally managed to snag some blog time. ive tried my best to at least manage to blog every once in a while but teh last few days were really exhausting. plus the fact that for the last few days, i seem to be having trouble with the new version of blogger. i can't open the page. so there.

by the way, i also tried to ... gad. what was i trying to say? oh i remember. a while ago i tried to give my multiply site a new 'do and edit a lot of other stuff and all but hey, im such a newbie and it took me such a lot of time just looking at so many things from one of my three contacts and i got so engrossed i wasn't able to well, 'multiply' anymore.

earlier at work today, we had a whole two hours time to spare before actually working so i stuck myself in a station cornered somewhere in which the aircon does not get to hit any part of me and just sat there, conversing with my inner wired pawns. and i figured (we figured) how i am wasting so much time whining and complaining and doing nothing. i've lost my touch. and i'm not doing anything to bring it back. i want to feel the warmth, the overflowing passion, the tender caresses, the loving embraces, lingering chills...

im talking about my words, green-minded freaks. teehee. didn't mean to call you guys freaks though. anywho, there i was, and i just felt so empty. it was like i didn't even exist. i felt like a creative clever allegory used to delineate the abstract thoughts of my puppeteer's works. and my puppeteer isn't into words. or any of the arts for that matter.

but i guess we have to sacrifice things we love to do things we need to to be able to save more time to do the things we love.

oops. i guess that was a bit screwy. well, you know me. raunchy, messy, topsy-turvy in love with curry. blowzy, dirty grimy, gruby, loveydovey. hearty, february, sweety, honey, baby. huh?! okay. that just sucked. i couldn't even do proper segues. sad.

Jan 15, 2007

do we give up? why?

you know how people always say how they are afraid of doing stuff that's why they run away, lie to everyone and simply cry themselves out? everyone in this world are just so scared. and to be honest, who isn't? but you see, the thing with being scared is that you just can't do that forever. because if you do, you are wasting so much time scaring your ass off. pathetic.

living isn't about being scared or hiding or taking things too slow or just simply hanging in there. if the way of the world is either to be killed or kill, that's not the only way. and we don't actually have to do the way of the world to live. i can very much picture myself living the way life should be live, thank you very much. yet that's as far as it goes - i can picture myself as such but i just can't be as such. laugh at the irony. laugh at the hypocrisy.

you know, even if i am in no way of the position to disclose such thoughts, ideas of a gray-worn-out-of-time thingie making mmmbbllrrr mmmbbddrrll noises inside of my cracked head, i still would like people to know what's in it. even if at times it just gets caught up with me and i don't even want to know what's in it.

hopefully sometime we can take a picture of some of the things thatare going through in our heads and then we can have it developed and then we can have it framed then hung up on the wall just in front of our bed so that everytime we wake up we get reminded of it and we stop all the foolishness we have to deal ourselves with for every damn single day of our lives.


how do we know when enough is enough? how do we even get to know we're doing something that's not right? we can't always say something is right and something is wrong. there is always a gray area. there always is and that will never get itself out. not if you're this drunken skank of a bitch, it won't.

i know, i know, i just stooped down to using cuss words to fill up the space for my lack of eloquence these days. i apologize. and i'm this freak of a green monster when i hear people, other writers, artists, poets, talk about their struggle to become accepted for who they are through what they write. i admire the struggle. 'coz like what i've told my sis COWren (karen, actually), i've long since given up on it.

but you see, it's not really over until you say it is. and i don't have a clue. i don't know. i just don't.

Jan 14, 2007

for him.

The Guys' Rules
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ..

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1 You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

-i found this while i was leafing through some of the blogs i found listed on my friend's links. and this is just so true, don't you think? we have to respect the guys too you know. it's not their fault they can't play mind games, are too engrossed in things we do not have an inkling to and they just can't help it if they do get fat at times. teehee.

Jan 10, 2007

answers come in colors.

why is it i have such a lot of things i can come up with if stumped with life questions by myself? sigh. now i know why i have this newfound love of surveys. they require you answering random questions and you see something deeper than what it seems on the surface and perfect answers simply pop out of nowhere. but when you do need to answer questions of the same kind in person, you think, long and hard and you just can't seem to come up with answers. unbelievable.

i've tons of questions. and i don't always have the answers. i try to. then, i start to think too much. then i keep all the answers with me. then i forget to tell anyone anything. then all the answers i discovered are locked in me. until such time though that i dig deep and deep..and maybe a little deeper still.

wish all the answers just came crashing down your way everytime you needed them to. or that you could just buy this software where you can just download all those answers. or you simply close your eyes and then everything would just come to you.


then again, where does that leave us? where do we go from there? it's not always the case where you could just separate the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. there's still that gray area somewhere.

it so sucks to get stuck in that gray area.

answers come in different colors. gray is an existing color. so good luck.

Jan 8, 2007

*superGIRL and starGIRL unite

haha. yeti and i have been IMing each other since we've opened our pcs. i guess we've been at this for more than an hour ago. teehee. from mission odyssey up til homeboy* which is almost finished. ^^

syndrynx_teyam: hndi ko nga alam kung sa ue ko pa gusto mag aral
sydrynx_teyam: eh panu nga yung balkanace pa natin
loreen: balkanace?
sydrynx_teyam: balance
sydrynx_teyam: ahahhaha
sydrynx_teyam: parang iba na banag word?
loreen: oo hahahaha
loreen: balkanace ang puchik
loreen: hahahahaha
sydrynx_teyam: hehehhe

at yan ang pagiimbento namen ng mga salita. bow.

*im not actually watching the tv. i could just hear it's incessant gushing.

Jan 7, 2007

gmail help!

i just had my blogger account changed to the "new blogger" thingie and i had to sign up for a gmail account and i just had and i am so stupid. i do not know how to access my mail. sigh. can anybody help me with this?