Mar 23, 2005

a week of abstaining...heck 'tis the Lent anyways

i am tired. i slept at around 4 to 4.30 am this morning (owing to the insufferable need to stare mercilessly at the computer screen while it hypnotized me into a series of continuous clickity-click of my hands over the keyboard) and woke up, wait...i was shaken out of my couple of zzz's at what time? oh, 7.45 am. ack!

it's already 2.11 pm and actually, if i really want, i can go ahead and sleep now but my instincts are forcing me to do so otherwise. and since i am not able to make use of the computer in our room, because it has been stripped off of a roof - literally (my dad's fixing the whole roofing of our house, chenelou) - i have to make do with this obsolete laptop my tito gave me at the time wherein windows 95 was the latest and windows xp was still a dream...and maybe a couple of microchips away. sigh. **btw, this doesn't have an internet connection so i might be posting this entry a little later than 2 pm.

okay, today is wednesday. and on wednesdays, what i enjoy doing the most (except for watching will&grace reruns on etc and lilo& stitch the series on disney) is reading the 2bU! section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer - the newspaper on the table for every morning of everyday of every week of every month of every year of my existence. i am not really an avid fan of reading everyday news. heck, id read calvin and hobbes over any newspaper anytime! but wait...actually, i have been trying to read the news nowadays. ever since i joined my organizations at upbaguio, (TABAK-ACS...miss ko na kau!) i decided i needed to learn more about our country...our filipino people...and the way things work with regards to the government-media-masa cycle.

oh crap, save my raves about the Tanghalang Bayan ng mga Kabataan sa Baguio - Aliance of Concerned Students org for next time. (hehe...full name hehe...waah gusto ko nnmn umakyat sa baguio! hehe bute nakaabot ako nung election ng mga officers..hi kuya h! hehe...ate vh! hehehe...amf miss ko na baguio! mga bes ko!!!)

anyways, as i was saying earlier, i read 2bU!'s Holy Week edition and their title was 'Abstain and Inspire.' i read on and found out that their paper for today consisted of the different 2bU! correspondents giving up those things that they love doing or using (or eating, as one excruciatingly tried to avoid Hersheys, Ferreros, Milanos & Reese's). while i was reading their articles, i was on the phone with my annah. i told her about the articles and she asked me something in the lines of 'ano ba ang sabi about abstinence sa Bible?'. and it occurred to me that hey, i had no idea what the Lent season is all about na. i mean yah, i used to know it since i came from a catholic girl's school. but i guess the info just drained away together with my acads-mode brain while i was washing my hard drinks shots with beer. sigh. naturingan pang katoliko. *shies away*

nah just kidding. but i have to admit there's a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense to me anymore. i guess i just have to have another brush with my CLE.

well so there, back to my ranting and raving. kudos to those who fulfilled their challenging tasks (4 out of 13, not bad...not bad at all.) btw, here are the titles of the articles and their writers, which i guess gives you the idea of what they're trying to abstain from.

While my guitar gently sleeps - Christian B. Bautista
How to shake a dirty mouth in 10 days - Angela V. Ignacio
Choco-holics anonymous - Francine Palines
Over and out - Saleema Devi Refran (Cable TV abstinence)
Textus un-interruptus - Arlene M. Paredes
Blogs, begone! - Marla Cabanban
Out of sight, out of mind - Javier Mata
Seeing more without a mirror - Bianca Consunji
Confessions of a flip-flop fanatic - Pam Pastor
A toast to alcoholic abstinence - Cheryl Tiu
Diet from words - Catherine Young
No-judgment days - NiƱo Mark Sablan
Whine no more, my sweet - Marla Miniano

i was unsure whether 2 out of the 13 challenges fulfilled their tasks. but the rest was history. more than half the tasks were left unfinished. but they did not fail. yes, ladies and gents out there, they did not. for trying your best whatever the outcome be already certifies you as a winner.

and for those out there trying to do tasks such as this, dismissing them for easy and no-sweat challenges...well, you have been warned. not everything is what it seems *starts 'you may think this is an apple but no, this is an orange' hypnotizing tactics* (okay okay cringe at my pathetic attempt at being funny). fulfilling these would take a lot of courage and discipline and self-determination. just watch out you guys.



isang libo't isang daan

isang libo't isang daang pulang rosas
nagkalat sa tabi mo,
isang libo't isang daang ngiti
na hindi na
masisilayan pang muli.
isang libo't isang daang salita
para sa
kariktan ng karimlang ito,
isang libo't isang daang rosas na puti
sasalubong sa
iyong pag-uwi.

**para sa bawat isa na hindi na muli pang masisilayan ang isang libo't isang daang patak ng luha na patuloy-tuloy angpagtulo mula sa mga mata na naulila ng paglamon ng higanteng mga alon sa humigit-kumulang labin-isang bansa sa Asya.


mga puta.

sa ilalim
ng nagtitingkarang bituin

nakikisaliw sa himig
ng awitin ng mundo.

isang patlang

unang tingin

nagkukubli na kasama

ang maskarang
mukha mo.

**para sa mga kababaihang biktima ng mapnghusgang mga mata.

i have no idea what time it is pro im not sleepy. which is weird. i haven't slept all day.

btw, i got my tooth extracted earlier today...i mean, yesterday n pla...gawd what time is it naba???

anyways ive been chatting with mama gen and matt for how many hrs na...4 ata and mam gen just left so its only matt and i now...we're exchanging pix and stuff....hey man, 5-4 ang score s pool! hehe...we've been playing pool xe, ung game s ym...hai hai...if actually not for him i would have just slept i guess im a sucker for having somebody around. you know, my being a scaredy-cat at night. sigh. brain's running low on its fuel. i have to gas up but i don't wanna make another cup. besides, i think i already emptied the thermos. oh well, there's still that one stick to look forward to. good thing i had it in me to reserve one stick. hehe. trust me when it comes to yosi. with regards to other stuff? handle them! so down lately. and it's f*cking sad that i haven't written any poem for like how many days already?...w8 has it been a week? ahh! i have no idea! grr. you know what, no matter how my poems lacked real depth, i still cling on to them as if theyr'e life-preservers. well, actually they are, for me. i mean, only i could fully understand what these poems meant and when i look back and read them, i feel a teensy wave of nostalgia hit me and kablam! i am sent into the past. hey, wait. if my poems can trigger these stuff in me, maybe there's still hope i can convey the feelings in them better!...hmm...wishful thinking.

okai...matt is now offline. so now im left. well, with a lot of bloggs to visit and a lot of thoughts to put into writing. well, maybe i should turn in for the night. ciao pips. night! i mean, morning... :)

Mar 22, 2005

sudden addiction to dragons

i was a serious fan of HP way way back. well, i mean, don't get me wrong, i still am in love with that half-Muggle, half-wizard doer of all goods and archnemesis of you-know-who. it's just that i wasn't so absorbed in it like i was before. anyways, as i was going through some of the clutter i brought home from baguio, i came upon this printed copy of "Drakonidae by Rhyssen." it was one of the very first fanfics i've truly enjoyed and it was because of that that iw as able to write my very own fanfiction entitled "Iris." anyways, i've decided to post the poem from Drakonidae. and here it is, enjoy!

-eric hansen

have you ever looked in
the eyes of a dragon
seen their heart,
and known their soul?

have you ever seen
the stairsteps to heaven
that within them reside,
and show their bright role?

do you know their songs,
their ancient harmonies
do you know their past,
and their wisdom hold?

can you hold the world
in the palm of your hand
and with storm-worn wings,
curl and enfold,to heal the world,
to show the way,
and be a banner unfurled
to the light of day?

this is the dragon,
a creature of light,

no, they are not gone,
just taken to flight.


i was once so scared of dragons, i mean, everytime, they were used to depict evil scary monsters, fire-breathing killers who destroys everything that gets in their way. but after a few years of arts and literature, a few months of psych and philo...and one poem from Rhyssen, dragons are so much more than what we give them credit for.

Mar 21, 2005


"is it only skin i touch
when i reach for you?

oh, the leaves they fall,
they go so far sometimes.
do i blame the wind
or the tree for letting you go,
or do i wave goodbye,settling?"

you know what, ai is right. my poems are so lonely. and to be frank, when i read them, i can't seem to feel any emotion flowing from them, just like what i expected them to possess. it's like, they're so void of any feeling. the poems...lacked real depth. i mean, yes, most poems, when i am making them, i have in me a lot of emotions...bottled-up emotions that i try to put in words...but i guess i am not a good conveyor of feelings, emotions, stuff like that. but hey, no reason to feel any shame at all. everyone can be better, in one way or another.


untalkative bunny. that's so raven. e-mail. junk mail. snail mail. unmade bed. aching head. dvd's. vcd's. ED's. book. nook. crook. shnook. pillow. hollow. narrow. marrow? speaker. sneaker. jeans, a pair? how to deal. sugar free. jam88.3. dust. must. rust. lust? seventeen. meg. candy. mandy? mop. tap. tube top. lights. heights. fright. dashboard. blackboard. web. lead. bed. chocolate, black. nothing more to say, aack! chips. dips. tortillas. pitas. novas. literature. picture. camera. red star-a. aria. diary of daria. sleep, no. got to go. be right back. wish me luck.

Mar 20, 2005


andito pa rin ako, nag-aantay sa mga lumipas na panahon. hindi na ata ako muli pang makakabangon mula sa mga alaalang dinulot mo. kaya kong magpakamanhid, itago ang tunay na nararamdaman...ang sakit sa tuwing makikita kang kasama sya. oo, nasasaktan ako. alam kong hindi ito tama, alam kong hindi ito dapat pero wla akong magawa kundi ang hayaan ang sariling magpakalunod sa pag-ibig na hinding hindi na muli pang magiging akin; magpakulong sa pag-ibig na ako mismo ay nasasakal. araw-araw na lang ay bumabalik sa aking isipan ang mga kahapong lumipas na ikaw ang aking kasama, ang aking kausap, ang aking kayakap. wala na ang mga sandali pang iyon. ang sama sa loob hindi dahil lumipas na sila ngunit dahil alam kong hindi na muli pang maibabalik ang ganoon. habang tumatagal, lalong ang ikot ng aking mundo ay bumabagal. kailan ba matatahimik ang kalooban kong ito? hindi na ba matatapos ang pasakit na dulot mo? hindi na ba ako muli pang makaaahon sa pagkalunod sa sarili kong mga luha? wala na ba talagang pag-asa para sa ating dalawa?

maraming beses ko nang sinubukan. maraming beses na akong nagpakatanga. ilang ulit mo man akong ipagtabuyan, ilang ulit mo man akong hindi bigyan ng kahit katiting na pansin, eto, andito pa rin ako at umaasa. at sa pag-asang ito ako natututong magmahal; magmahal ng walang limitasyon, magmahal ng tila wala nang darating pang bukas. ngunit kahit anong pagaalay ko pa ng sarili ang gawin ko, hinding hindi mangyayaring maibalik natin ang dati at magkasamang muli. hindi. wala. wala na.

pero bakit nga ba patuloy lang ako? lahat ng mga sinasabi ko hindi ko rin ginagawa sa huli? kinakain ko din ang aking mga salita? bakit?

sawang sawa na ako sa mga litanyang ito pero di ko matakasan ang sarili ko. hindi ko magawang pakawalan ang nararamdaman kong ito. kung ito nga ang sinasabi nilang pag-ibig, oo, naramdaman ko na ang sarap at sakit; ang pagkasaya at pagkalungkot matapos lamang ang isang saglit. wala na ba akong mahahanap na iba pa? bakit ba sa tuwing tumitingin ako sa iba, laging mukha mo lamang ang aking nakikita? laging boses mo lamang ang aking naririnig? hindi ko na alam ang dapat ko pang gawin. masyado nang maraming umaasa sa panahon para maghilom ng mga sugat, ayoko nang dumagdag pa. hindi ko maaaring ipaubaya sa oras ang paggaling ng mga sugat na dulot mo. kailangan na harapin ko ito, oo, pero hindi ko alam kung paano; hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko. pero kailangan kong subukan. ang paglimot lamang ang natatanging paraan para matapos na ang lahat ng kaguluhan tungkol sa aking mga nararamdaman.

tama na. hindi ko na nakikita pa ang sarili ko sa tuwing humaharap ako sa salamin. hindi na ako ang masayahing tao na nakilala niyo noon. isa na lamang akong taong nagtatago sa mismong ako. hindi ito tama, wala nang tama sa mga kilos ko, sa mga gawa ko. at sa tingin ko hindi na rin ata tamang nabubuhay pa ako habang ang ibang tao ay naghihingalo na dahil sa mas mahirap na buhay na kanilang pinapasan. tama, ititigil ko na ang lahat ng ito. at sa pagtigil kong ito, mamamaalam na rin ako.

Mar 18, 2005

last working day of the week...

unfortunately for some (like my mom), they have to work their butts for 7 days a week. such a hassle. but hey, if the pay is good, why argue?


some updates:
i am addicted to pristontale. you know, that online game? aargh...but i can't get past level 8...hehe...haven't been able to get out of the house for the past couple of days. anyways, after this, i wear i won't get off of my seat until i've at least leveled-up my character. it's a priestess, by the way. i mean, she's a priestess, by the way.

i have been drinking earlier. mp let...we tried the bora mix but they didn't like it (lakas daw ng tama) so we decided to just throw it.

i haven't been much of myself lately. why? gawd i wish i had the slightest idea. but i don't. so i guess that makes me just much more weird...or weirder...or whatever.


sigh. oh no. i am going back to that state of being of mine wherein all i post are a couple of sighs, a couple of aarghs, and well, did i mention a couple of sighs? aigh. see that? there i go again. guess i better log-off now before i bore anyone else reading this with my non-sense posts.

anyways i still have that character to at least level up. hehe.

Mar 7, 2005

"...cradle me to you."

blog blog blog...

eto ang gawain pag walang magawa. ang mag-post ng mag-post at mangarap na sana mabasa ng taong pinaglaanan mo ng oras kakaisip ang post mo, kahit na alam mo na kahit pa anong gawin mo eh di ka na muli pang babalikan ng taong pinagaalayan mo ng mga salitang paulit-ulit mong isinusulat at sinasabi sa mga kaibigang pagod na sa kakarinig sa mga hinanakit mo.

pero teka lang, tama ba na masaktan ka? oo siguro kasi alam mong kasalanan mo na hindi ma maibabalik pa ang dati nyong relasyon bilang magkaibigan. pero kung nasasaktan ka dahil hindi siya napunta sayo, mali naman un.

unang una, hindi bagay ang isang tao para naisin mong makuha at angkinin. pangalawa, kung totoo ang sinasabi mong mahal mo sya, dapat kaya mong ibigay ang lahat sa kanya - pati ang kalayaang magmahal ng iba.

teka, mahal mo nga ba? yan, dapat malinaw sa'yo ang ibig sabihin ng pagmamahal o pag-ibig o love. minsan kasi we mistake love for that other state of being: in love. dalawang magkaibang bagay un.


in love.

mas matibang ung pangalawa. bakit kamo? kasi ganito. pag love, tanging mga bagay na nais nyang ipakita na siya ang minamahal mo. pero pag in love ka, tanggap mo sya ng buong buo. lahat lahat, mga pagkakamali nya noong mga unang panahon na hindi pa kayo magkakilala at mga imperfections nya. tanggap mo ang lahat sa kanya, walang labis, walang kulang.
speaking of labis and kulang, dapat when you give out love, you should also let it come in. we think kasi we don't deserve love kaya we shut ourselves up, not knowing that there's a great love out there waiting for us. minsan kasi bigay ka lang ng bigay. tama nga namang hindi humingi ng kapalit pero naman, pag kusang binigay sayo wag ka nang umangal pa. pasalamat ka na lang at may taong nagnanais na mabigyan ng pagkakataong mahalin at arugain ka.


w8 nga, san ba galing tong mga pinagsasasabi kong to? eh naku, wag nga kayong makinig sa akin. baka mapariwara lang din ang buhay nyo, di lang ang buhay-eskwela kundi pati na ang buhay pag-ibig. ;p looking for some "me" in another being looking for the same thing...

nagagalit ako sayo.

potah...grr...ang init ng ulo ko...nagagagalit ako ng sobra sobra sobra...potah talaga...tangina!!!!!!!!!!naiinis ako...naiiyak na ko sa galit...nkkbwisit ng sobra tangina bakit may mga taong ganon?! potah talaga...aarrrgh!!!!!!!!!! nkkinis!!! potah bwisit....tangina naiinis ako bwisit xa bwisit...tangina bakit kasi...naman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaargh!!!!!!potah tangina bwisit aaammmfff!!!!!!!!!!!!yosi nga jan!


**btw, i am talking about my biological father

Mar 6, 2005


there was nothing left to do but stare.just stare.

i couldn't come any close.
i SHOULDN"T come any close.

the warmth might just end up burning me.
my eyes are already hurt by just staring at it.
but if only i could...

just for a minute.
a second, even.

my insides are battling it out.

torned heart screams a moment's warmth
that gray material stuck to my head wars not to.

i have no idea where to stand.

a lone island
yes, i am.

a bottomless pit of ideas
yes, i am.

Mar 5, 2005

accidents happen.

nakakainis..bkt ganun??eh im trying my very best na nga na mklimot nd all tpos..the whole world just conspires to make me feel miserable...nakakainis...

wel at least i am sort-of happy right now...xempre, i have my the wishful thinking...anticipation ng pagpunta ko ulit ng baguio...waah..i miss my old pals...

damn it! i can't think you think im a schizophrenic?yes, i think maybe i am a schizophrenic...don't you think?well then think! already thought about it?what can you say huh?am i or am i not? i guess i really how the heck can you explain my laughing and then bawling the next second just earlier??!

aargh. i just have to stop. i feel...i dunno...a total mix of pain and happiness...gawd. i have got to get over whatever it is that is on my mind right now. it just isn't right.

accidentally in love. the timing was perfectly incorrect. everything just fell out of place and im stuck with just thoughts. memories, sensations, moments, sights.

yesterday thoughts

tonight, you have no idea how i try to unpack this feelings of regret i carry within me.


walang katumbas na sakit.

as the sky continues to cry, i curl up on my bed and as if slowly die. life has been taken out of me, i wasn't with the person i longed to be.

gulong gulo na ako.
i haven't the slightest idea what my first step is gonna be. i feel as if the whole world's turned its back on me and every step i make takes me closer to my end.

wala na kong buhay.
no matter what i do it all comes back to you. ive tried my best but to no good. i guess im stuck with you. thoughts of you, that is.


masakit magmahal ng taong pag-aari na ng iba. masakit isipin na iba ang kapiling nya. masakit sa alaala ang mga pinagsamahan nyong dalawa. masakit na makitang ang pangarap mong buhay na kapiling siya ay natupad sa iba.

masakit magmahal. lalo pa kung di naman ikaw ang laman ng puso niya. mahirap ang umasa kasi alam mo namang wala ka ring mapapala. ang pag-ibig na inilaan mo sa kanya ay katumbas ng pag-ibig na inilaan na niya sa iba.

masakit, sobra. hindi mo ba ito nadarama? siguro nga hinde, kasi nakikita ko namang masaya ka sa piling nya. pero ako, kahit ba minsan minahal mo? kahit ba minsan nagkaroon ng pagkakataong higit pa sa kaibigan ang tingin mo?

masakit na amining nasasaktan pa ako.


yesterday's girl

can we go back to the days we said we'd never say goodbye?the days we run around the fields hand in hand...the days we never really cared much about those that revolve around the two of us... US. it hurts to hear those words now. because now, there isn't any us nor we... what's left is only you and me... two different people trying to find their way back to each other... well, at least one of them is.

ive held on to this and il never give it up.