Nov 27, 2012

A quick love note

written in 2010:

I don't want to have to recycle the words but I guess they have all been said to you one time or another
... although I don't think anybody would have ever meant them as much.

- bes

Nov 22, 2012

Of past lives and blog sites

I cannot believe these are still out there! Good thing I still regularly check the email address I used to create all these. My gaaaahd! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

From my teeny-bopper petty problem days:

to my lesbian phase (or so I thought) days:

to my mommy journal:

So funny reading a few bits and pieces of what my life used to be. Makes me think what could I have done to not have to experience this or write that or think this...? 

And then I realize it's okay. I'm starting to find peace with who I was in the past - for if I wasn't able to experience those things, I wouldn't be the person I am today, right? And the present, and future, is all that really matters now. Just me and my girls. 

I hope.

Thoughts at 6 in the morning

★ There are a lot of things in my life I should be thankful for - food, shelter, health, friends, family, and even just life itself. But my eyeglasses tend to get a bit blurry sometimes and the things I should be thankful for get lost in the "i-don't-know-what-is-happening-to-this-life" phase of mine.

★ Writing is something I know I can do pretty well. I have been practicing since I was six years old. And although I'm pretty sure that when I read now what I've written before I'll make the eww face and the ugh sound, it doesn't change the fact that I can do it and that I can actually be good at it. But I lose my words into thoughts.

★ Thinking has been a pretty nasty habit of mine. It's all good when you do it at school or for work, but when you do it alone, in bed, while waiting for the sheep to sit by your side and cuddle you to sleep - it can tear up everything you have ever believed in.

★ Paychecks aren't something I regularly get nowadays. I have been working for 6 years straight and this 4-month unemployment hasn't been easy. It's been fun and I get projects here and there but with the way I spend what I get, Ayayayayay!

★ Staring at random things is turning out to be an enjoyable past-time. I can stare at the bed sheets for an hour.

★ My lower cigarette consumption rate has contributed to the amount of weight I have gained in the past 4 months.

★ When I meet other people, I realize: Education is just another word.

★ The things I want to learn are all about letters, words, fonts, texts, papers, and books. There's never enough time in the world to know about all these.

★ I admit the stream of thoughts have stopped by the third bullet but I kept trying to think of other things to put down because ★!

★ I believe we are made up of stars. (Starstuff, anyway.)

When Love Arrives - Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye

"Love is not who you were expecting, love is not what you can predict. Maybe love is in New York City, already asleep, and you are in California, Australia, wide awake. Maybe love is always in the wrong time zone, maybe love is not ready for you. Maybe you are not ready for love. Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type. Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love looks older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered. Maybe love is only there for a month. Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit. Maybe love stays - maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, and love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you. Thank you for stopping by.”

Nov 14, 2012

A sleepless night and a song on repeat

I have the Up Dharma Down song Tadhana on repeat.

And I can't stop listening to all the possibilities, the unwritten words just ready to come out any second the next note is played.

But I have nothing.

All I have is an endless stream of thoughts I can barely grasp. No,

I can't even stay still for a couple of seconds to try to comprehend the things I keep stressing about.


just when I thought I had a few phrases I can try to piece together,

they flow. They fly away.

And I force myself to focus on the song.

And when I find the words that speak to me,

I wish

that somebody's willing to listen just as much to what I can say in writing.

Even though I don't know it yet.

"Ba't 'di pa sabihin
Ang hindi mo maamin
Ipa-uubaya na lang ba 'to sa hangin
huwag mong ikatakot
Ang bulong ng damdamin mo
Naririto ako at nakikinig sa'yo."

Nov 13, 2012

A quick love note

We've been together 29 months. You're cooking your special creamy tomato pasta for breakfast-brunch-lunch. And I say I'm working on one of the articles I need to submit later. But I just want to write this quick love note to let you know a few things:

You're a very beautiful person. You constantly bring out the best in every single man or woman whose lives depend on your care. You touch other people's lives so wonderfully, and yet you remain ever so humble.

I have known you ever since our high school days. And although my memory gets foggy sometimes (like who initiated first contact, who started writing whom, why we became "bes"-es in the first place), I can still remember the way you made me feel before. All the kilig, the kulitan, some tampuhan

Over the years I have known so much about you. About how you like your noodles cooked, about how you like your work clothes to fit. About how you like your hair to look like. About how you sleep. about how you hold the ball when you shoot. About how light the pen moves on the paper when you write. About how you like to take care of everyone you love. About how you like to make funny noises when animating stuffed toys, or just about any non-living thing, or living things that cannot speak for themselves. About how very little toothpaste you use. About how you can't keep surprises. The list just goes on and on.

And you know what? Despite knowing so much about you, you just continue to amaze me every single day. You're the strongest, most patient woman I have ever known. Know that I will always love you, in every way I know how, forever & ever & ever.

- bes

Never a time for anything

It's almost noon and I still haven't had breakfast, still haven't taken a bath, and still haven't started on those 10 articles I need to finish before 8pm. I am still trying to pry my thoughts away from crawling back to bed. My partner is already up and cooking for us but me? With less than 6 hours of sleep, I feel dead tired.

It's fascinating how there just aren't enough hours in a day to do everything we need/want to do. First there's sleep, then the eating part, the taking a bath part, the working (oh no the working sucks all the life out of one sometimes), the dreaming, the crafting (or doing anything creative with your hands), the meeting up with clients, the hanging out with friends, the playing with your kids, the teaching your kids their homework, (and for some) the studying, and the partying and drinking at night... there's just too many things we all have to cram in a 24 hour day.

24 hours in 1 day
720 hours each in April, June, September, and November
672 hours in February
744 hours each in January, March, May, July, August, October, and December

8760 hours in 365 days
525, 600 minutes in a year
31, 536, 000 seconds

And in my 25 years of living, I probably spent about 148, 920 hours wishing for more.

Forgive my obsession with numbers. I'm a writer who loves unending computations. I sometimes think I should have been an accountant instead.

8760 hours in 365 days

Nov 3, 2012

Of words unsaid

I have no idea how to say it. The words feel wrong, somehow. It's been exactly 231 days since I read my Mother's text, telling me my Grandfather has given up his fight for life.

Lolo and me
I was just about to drop by the hospital later that day, after my daughter's pre-school graduation. It was supposed to be my first time to see him in the hospital, because work (and clothes not fit for public hospitals) got in the way. 

I rushed to the hospital as soon as I can, hoping to at least get a glimpse of him before they take him out of his room. Unfortunately, all I saw was my aunt who hugged me and told me that it was okay - Lolo knew I wanted to see him and that was what's important.

But it's not okay. I wanted to see him, and I didn't get to see him.