Jan 31, 2005


patuloy tuloy ang
paglutang ng puting usok
mula sa yosing
kanina pa ay
hinihithit ko na.
tila ayaw nitong maubos,
tila ayaw nitong maitapon
ng basta na lang
sa kung saan.
ngunit ang usok eh
sandali lang anjan.
may pinatutunguhan
pero hindi ko naman
lulutang lutang lang yan
kung saan saan
tpos mawawala
para bang bula.
para bang ikaw.
para nga bang ikaw?
o ako ba na wari'y

smoke and somke and a lot more smoke.

pag ang baga mo ay nanlimos ng usok mula sa'yo,
wag mo nang ipagkait ito.
kasi madalas, pag ang utak at puso mo
eh hindi nagkakasundo,
ang baga mo na lamang ang tanging makakaintindi sa'yo.
kaya ibagay mo na ang gusto nito.
malay mo,
yun lang pala ang makakapagpalinaw
ng mga bagay bagay sa paligid mo.


warning: this post means absolutely nothing.


im sooo tired..i just finished doing everything there is to do around at home...aargh...am so tired...so bummed and every other feeling anonymous to being happy,contented...aargh....


haha...i just realized yeah, im not putting any *sigh*s but im onto putting *aargh*s...haha...


is it really true?i mean when you already finally got all things worked into a T, everything you worked for just crumbles down to pieces and get cushioned by big hard rocks?...i just...damn i have no idea what i really really wanna do right now...all i can say is that i feel so down and depressed, which is funny 'coz i really usually feel this way but it haven't got into my nerves like what's happening as of now...

so confused, so depressed...so down...

and SO grounded!

Jan 30, 2005


i have a splitting headache...but you knwo what hurts more?...the fact that i really don't know how to respond to all the drama around me...it's like the more i try to get out of all that the more i get reined back in...grr..i've been a really really bad girl...and i hate this...grr...i hate all of it.

i just want to forget all that drama from last night...

i have a knack for revisiting scenes...stuff that happened and revising all that i said and did...and it's sad coz then i only wake up from that "revisiting" thingie and snap back to reality: all that's past.

you know what kind of super powers i really really want to have?...haha...maybe you guys have already realized this but i'm still saying it, just for the record...

being able to turn back the hands of the clock and pages of a calendar and just try to fix everything up...aargh...

hey,i haven't sighed yet!...haha...im actually trying to lessen the amount of *sigh*-ing in this blog of mine...hehe...i realized i really could fill one post full of sighs and never even notice it...thanks for pointing it out, aireen :)

Jan 29, 2005

surfing the net...again

to be honest, i've changed my template about 5 times already...i can't find any i really want and i can't make the picture i have in my mind...*sigh*

btw, last night i watched a cinderella story(chad...oh chad), uhm, for the umpteenth time...i guess i just don't get tired of seeing chad's face over and over again...and b4 i 4get, my sister's classmate's dvd has got really cool features, like the screen tests of chad and lizzie(where they get to act the "halloween dance" scene and "you know what bugs me? taking people's orders" scene off location and in some remote room with only two potted plants acting as their stage...),and it also had this feature wherein the movie was playing and you feel as if you were watching it with the cast stars since you hear them laugh and comment on each other and stuff like that...and chad's voice is simply to die for.

harhar...guess you can say im pretty much addicted to chad michael murray...too bad he's gonna get married...grr...but there are a lot of chad murrays out there right?...*sigh* i wanna meet mine.


anyways...nothing.i just felt how much i wanted to get tied down agin...i mean, how much i wanna have a boy/girl-friend again...as what i've continuously explained, i am not after any physical affection(believe me, i've had enough of that...and more)...i just...i dunno...want to feel being taken cared of, owned, loved...*sigh*

but when i think of that my rational thinking sets me back to reality...i could not risk getting involved again...my life's just too complicated...and i don't wanna mess it up more because of this secret fantasy of wanting to be loved and crap like that.

i couldn't.



a million characters i waste in sighs(haha...remember how chad quoted tennyson in the movie?)...nothing left in my lips to speak about...i carry on with a head up high...hoping tomorrow i'd write all this out...

hahahaha...is that right?ladies and gentlemen,again, you witness my pathetic attempt at writing lines out of nowhere thus strung together make no sense whatsoever...clap, clap...one of the million ways that makes me feel so stupid...parang nabobobo ako na ewan...is this what happens when you spend almost all your life in school then suddenly just it's just not there anymore?whatever.


wow...i guess i wrote a lot...it's just 2.35am and i'm still not sleepy...


there are actually a lot of things on my mind right now but i can't seem to grasp them and realize what they mean put together...it's like the images,pictures,words,phrases,lines, are flashing in my mind but i don't know how to say them out loud or write them down...coz they pop for only about a second and before i could even think of it, they're gone, just like that.


what kind of soul are you?

You Are a Warrior Soul

You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating.
You don't give up. You're committed and brave.
Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle.
Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog.

You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods.
You also value honesty and fairness a great deal.
You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding.
You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

Jan 28, 2005

have you ever been so down?

have you ever felt as if the word "happiness" and all synonymous to it has been gone caput?

have you ever felt so alone?


damn me and my goddamn issues. as can be seen, im an expert at handling emotions. you know, keeping them out of everybody's sight. pulling a funny face even though you know you're breaking down deep inside?

ive got to stop this game ive for so long been playing. but i can't find the courage to do so. i feel like i'm such a fool. not the funny kind of fool though, more of the physically hurt, emotionally battered kind of fool.

Jan 27, 2005


am AGAIN at gowee...gawd ive nothing to do...just finished smoking 2 sticks...well, one earlier and anotherjust now...*sigh*

haven't visited my blog for almost 3 weeks now...3weeks? i dunno...nothing much happened...tambay lang as always...i really wish i can go back to school...though im not pretty sure i still want to go back and study...there...baguio...*sigh*...still haven't talked to my dad...

Jan 1, 2005

new year

A new year…a new me?…

I greet this new year with confusion and anxiety…another year…another year of what?what the heck is in store for me this new year?…I guess I wouldn’t know ‘til I find the courage to try and figure it out…*sigh*…

You know what I just wish for?I wish that this year, every year, can be just wrapped up in a totally big box…and everytime january comes, you could open it and sort all the things out…then you can have fun at the remainder of the year…

Im not making any sense, am I?…*sigh*...

ive never been anywhere near being optimistic...but neither did i also dwell on negativity for too long...im somewhere in between...oh, oh!i know what wish im making this new year!



happy new year everyone!