May 6, 2007

un-complicate me.

i have long since forgotten my blog. i guess that's what happens when you overwhelm yourself with stuff (plain, out-of-this-world-or-age stuff) you're not supposed to overwhelm yourself in, like say, five more years or so. but hey, that's me. always in such a hurry to grow up.

i have had a lot of down times the past few days. or the past three months, more like...

gawd. i'm stuck. i'm serious. teh only time i ever truly got into writing another set of paragraphs or lists of rants and raves or strung phrases for stanzas of poetry was like a zillion years ago. well, more like months ago. and i feel bad. this is a bad case of writer's block, if you could call it that. and i know i've been complaining about this for a long time already but i just can't help it. i wanted to be more. i wanted to do more. i should be moving on than letting myself get stuck like this.

but in the hopes of defending my worn-out lithe frameless body, i can't really blame me. i've lost track of all time i thought i had when i decided on doing this one thing i've been doing for more than a year now. it's like, i don't even own my time. i don't een anything to call "my time." and it's sad. i've been putting on a lot of things and i guess i've put off on doing the one thing love most (writing) for too long. but when i get home, i am so freaking tired all i want to do is get sleep time. i don't even get to eat dinner at home anymore. why?i don't have the time! i have to sleep as much as i can to be able to prep myself up for the next day. and the next day? i again won't be able to do what i want to do at work since, you guessed right, i don't have the time! i have to focus all on my work or else. and when i get off from work, there are a lot of other responsibilities i have to attend to, which i do not regret for the most part, because that's when i get to spend time with matt. but do you see where it all leaves me? i am left with no time for me. great. just great.

then this happens. only a few people know about this, mostly my officemates since they're the ones i get to be with for the most part of my days. and i'm not saying they're not being thoroughly supportive of it, i know they are. they're worried and concerned. but i guess, that's not teh concern i'm looking for. i even have times i want this thing to end but when i'm with matt, ijust wish for this to speed up, you know?

aargh. basta. things are complicated. this is complicated. i am complicated.

**thanks to matt for times he un-complicates me.