Mar 12, 2009

things amiss

my best friend blogged about how 'a cab ride is the loneliest place on earth' and i got into thinking about the many cab rides i've had.

and for a while there i thought yeah it does get a bit lonely although you don't really get to think much about it especially if you are in a cab because you are running late for work and all you would ever really think is 'how slow can this driver go?' and then SILENTY get mad because there is no saying if he would deliver you to your destination if you suddenly burst a nerve right there and then in his car. and of course you think, 'that's not gonna be good.' so you sit still and keep those anger-ridden thoughts and homicidal plots to yourself and wait.

and then i am shook out of my reverie with the word.


now i think i'm getting my best friend with her statement and that probably is just about one of this year's understatements.

it is really a bit lonely having to commute alone. more so if you are leaving your comfort zone for some place you have to go to because you are obliged to and not because you simply want to.

although like my best friend, it's not the destination that makes you think hard and deep about this. it is the travel that makes you feel more alone.

i am the type of person who sits by the window every single time. i have to be at the seat by the window. it's mine. and everyone whom i have traveled with can attest to the fact that i can be a charmer just to get the seat. why? because the view by the window is something i look forward to.

and if you're alone and inside a cab whose radio is on this god-forsaken station, you drift someplace else when you look outside the window. most likely, if you are going to a place you usually go to, the view can be quite a bit mundane and ordinary and you might even have gone to some of the places crossing your sight.


looking outside, memories come flooding you in a rush and you are swallowed by the big wave even before you actually can blink. a coffee shop where you used to stay cramming about a presentation or simply chilling out for hours on end; a restaurant you used to frequent for the juiciest steaks at the lowest prices; a street where your friend's house used to stand; a mall you used to frequently visit; the church you used to go to for sunday mass...the list goes on. all these places you used to visit has a haunting feel to it.

used to.

and that's when the loneliness starts kicking in. that's when you start thinking more of how, when you were in such and such places, you felt at ease; how, when y ou were at such and such places, you were at your happiest; how, when you were at such and such places, your hand was held and how your hair was tucked behind your ear and how your lips were kissed lightly and how your cheek was brushed gently and how your eyes were stared into, lovingly so.

and you miss.

you miss someone. you miss the place. you miss the feeling. you miss the warmth. you miss the cold. you miss the promissory call. you miss the word that came from your mouth. you miss the stolen glance. you miss the wave goodbye. you miss your name, handwritten on a pad. you miss that someone who wrote your name. you miss someone.

and you are sucked dry by all of it. for the life of you, you cannot imagine how you got to where you are supposed to, or if and how you paid the cab driver at all. and you forget how you were already running late. and you forget that you had tons of things to do. and you forget you hadn't had a bite to eat. and you forget how to breathe. just for a moment. you forget.

you forget everything else except that which you want to forget.

and you wish you hadn't rode on that cab at all.