Jan 12, 2008

just don t tell me what to do when it comes to loving you.

as with previous posts, i just came home from work. and the nature of my job is really boring but the conversations are funny so that makes up for it.anyway, yes. i do have work now. wait, have i just mentioned that in one of my posts?lemme see, hmmm...oh wait well no, i haven't so there. and we finally found a yaya for baby which a good thing but the bad thing is the yaya would just like to stay at their (matt's) house so i don t get to spend as much of my time with baby but i do get to see her everyday as much as i want of course. but then i still can t do that since my body needs rest and that s the whole point of us having a yaya.

anyway, one thing i don t like about my work is of course the shifting schedule. super mega duper shift! i even get 2 shifts in one day. san ka pa so kamusta ang bugbog na katawan. also, with that shift in sked i don t get to see more of baby when she s awake and being her kulit self because our waking times do match so when i m at work that s when she s super awake and when i m about to sleep she s far ahead of me on that one and all i can do is basically lie beside her and watch her and hear her heavy breathing. yep heavy breathing - she s having a hard time because she has na naman sipon plus she also has a bit of cough so i m sad i can t be there for her all the time but i have to work and that s what buys her milk and diapers and vaccine fees and doctor fees and everything else she would be needing. except of course, motherly affection but she still doesn t understand that yet so let s leave it at that muna.

but there are of course also perks in my current job which is the 2 day off (days of which are totally unpredictable) and the high salary, which is double my previous income. an offer too good to resist so i toook bait. so see, that s what pays everything mostly, and i just bought me and matt new eyeglasses since nag zoom pataas ang aming mga grado sa mata kamusta naman un diba!

speaking of matt, i had a crazy post partum depression attack last wednesday and i ahd cried myself more than 2 hours, hicucupping more than 30 minutes and super hikbi sobra. that was how it felt pala. i don t want that na. i promise. it s the worse kind of feeling. ultimate depression that makes you want to just die and i was even banging my head on the walls and punching myself and trying hard to kick myself (which is by far the hardest thing i ever attempted to do). i wish not a lot of people experience that. especially new moms. it s nerve racking. it made me look like a stupid brat. it made me look like a crazy woman. it made me feel like a crazy woman.

at work, the only thing we re allowed to bring on the floor are our wallets and books or any reading material. we are not allowed our phones (which is nakakatakas naman talaga ever) and pens. that s why i am yet again thrown into the realms of literacy confinement. i get to read but not to write. what good is that? well, there is good in it. i just feel like i ve missed my pen so much and i haven t again for the nth time made anything wrote anything. not a damn thing. just this rant. this and only this. sad. but who knows, maybe i ll be able to make more of this since the network connection at home just got up again. yay.

time check 5.24 i have to get off now i need to freshen up before taking matt to school. this is the only time kasi we get to meetthis day so make the most out of that 1 hour. paganda muna. as if i need it di ba!haha! if you d just look at me now. conceited! hahaha ganyan talaga nagagawa ng pagiging new mommy feeling pinakamaganda sa buong universe. :)

"i will live and die for you
give everything you want me to
just don t ever try to tell me what to do
when it comes to loving you..."