im tired. and im sick.

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1. sigh.

it was a long weekend for us guys at work but i really feel i haven't gotten much rest lately. you see, even when i do know i'm not supposed to go to work the next day, when i sleep at night i still wake up at around 12.30 and when i get back to sleep i end up waking again by 4am. great, right? then i'm up by 6.

i'm not complaining about all this, don't get me wrong. this point, space, place in time has got to be one of the highlights of my life, owe to the fact that i'm trying my very best struggling everything and i just...i'm loving the thought that just by waiting some more, i can finally move into a new apartment and spend the days with my mattie.

2. sigh.

i'm sick. i've got this bad feeling of pain all over my body and i have the colds so most probably i can't quite hear well and smell as well. haha. i just remembered that the last post i made was about my being sick and here i am again, talking about sickness. you don't think my body has lost all its immunity, its defense against the common ailments, do you? hmm..

3. sigh.

i still have a lot of catching up to do with reagrds to my acads. there's that paper in bc and that research paper in en. for the research paper in bc, i believe really that that is my fault why i still haven't got it done. but with en, the thing is, im bored with the class that's why i don't have the energy to actually want to do good in it. imagine, "College Reading and Writing" and what lessons are we getting? Basic Reading and Writing? these are the times i wish i haven't screwed up in up.

4. sigh.

work work work. now im feeling the pressure of having to actually hit goal everyday and make sales. i was transferred in another campaign, asp, and it's the priority campaign and all of us are being tested. and im really trying my best. i believe that if i really focus hard and long enough, i'd get the hang of it. i just have to brush that pressure off.

5. sigh.

i feel like it's been weeks ago since matt and i were able to attend and actually keep our heads up in mass. because one of us usually falls asleep and there. it's really embarassing but we can't help it at times, sorry.

6. sigh.

...

i miss my mattie.

now im really getting tired. i'll try to post by next week. promise...i'll try.
love you, baby.

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im sick

im so super tired. im sick and i still have work in about an hour and 15mins. yay!

this is too hard. i don't ever want to have such sickness ever again. i woke up yesterday feeling so bad and i was only able to get up of my bed just to call matt and tell him im sick and ask him to call the hr. yes, i went to work half day yesterday. and when i got to work, i felt a bit better almost after shift but when i got home in the afternoon, bam! there goes m headache again. and now im really really hot. literally, of course. tugsh!

the only reason i logged in to the net is to look fo rthe lyrics to songs and half the songs i want to look for ive already forgotten. how bad could that be? now im stuck and im still missing one more song.

anyways, HAPPY BIRTHWEEK to my baby mattie! hehe...i promised this before and now i am finally fulfilling one of my little promises for you. i really hope you'll like it. i love you so much and that won't change, ever. *smile*

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all i'd need is black

bg: oo - up dharma down
*i just love listening to her voice. ang lamig sobra. it gives me the creeps. in a good way, though.

i already started going to school just last Monday afternoon and it actually feels good to be back within those four walls of...uhh...education? haha. and i actually like my professors this time. even if it's this 3hours subject and it gets a bit boring with all the paperworks and discussions and i get a bit sleepy, it actually feels great. (with that said, a big THANK YOU to my baby mattie!)

on other absurd thoughts:

1. why is it i feel so free when squishing my toes in the sand?

i like the feeling of squishing my toes deeper and deeper into the sand and still, it seems as if it does not end. no matter how deep i go, no matter how squished i felt my toes were, there was still sand beneath all it. and i actually feel free when doing that. it's actually ironic because, when you think of it, you are actually 'trapped' in the sand in a way, right? but there is still liberty in the thought that you can actually move around it all, just continue squishing and squishing and squishing. plus, it's a great exfoliant.

2. i'll breath for you, like a new tattoo - urbandub

i'd love to have the whole of my back tattooed. and i'm picturing it would have an abstract design as a centerpiece then it'd be filled with words and words, flowing with poetry of the uncalculable mind of a lady-in-waiting. i want something permanent. i want something non-erasable.

3. if the world is perfect, they wouldn't make pencils with erasers anymore

and i used to love erasers before. i used to collect them in different shapes and sizes. but the thing is, i don't like using them. i don't like smudging them to correct past mistakes, past mistakes put on paper. one can never unwrite something. it just simply can't happen. "whatever's writ cannot be unwrit" i just like the clean look of a brand-new eraser - the purity of its being entices me so much. if there was an award for being good at keeping erasers clean back in grade school, i'd have won.

4. a clean canvass

im ready to paint life unto a clean canvass. im ready to take hold of the paint brush and smudge it with reds, blues, pinks, oranges, greens, violets, teals, mauves, yellows, fuschias, indigos, golds, crimsons, aquamarines, azures, turquoises, siennas, ambers, carmines, carrots, celadons, cornflower blues, cyans, olives, scarlets, heliotropes, jades, khakis, mustards, lemon creams, olive drabs, orchids, plums, pumpkins, tennes, tangerines, wisteria, vermilions, viridians...id have it all on that clean canvass. all i need is black.

*for 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9, id have them all posted a bit later.

i already have to go to work sp id have to sign off already. bye.





"coz it's you and me
and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i don't kno why
...
i can't keep my eyes off of you."
-you and me, lifehouse

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"i could fall asleep in those eyes like a water bed"

i am on the verge of tears just browsing through all our pictures and realizing how much i really miss holding you close. there's no other word for it. i miss you. i miss you so much it's already killing me. but i have to do this. we have to be strong for us. i know we'd get through. it's just that, i miss you.

everytime we are not together i just think of you and when im with you im just wishing for the whole world to stop revolving and just get stuck at that point in time when we are finally together and i get to hold you close and laugh with you and share everything with you and just plainly love you - i just want to make you feel loved.

please don't hold back. i feel down everytime i try to give all effort and not feel as appreciated as should be. but i knowi should not expect things from anyone, most especially you. but i guess you're the one thing that gives me life and as well as kills me. i love you so much.

to love you would mean to risk all that i have within me.
to love you would mean to lose sight of myself.
to love you would mean to write a thousand poems of collision.
to love you would mean to get out of this box i am in.
to love you would mean freedom.
to love you would mean to say i love you and mean it.
to love you would mean .. bliss.

"Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today"
-afterglow, INXS

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sorry had to cut this post short. i still need sleep.

now i really have serious belief that there is something wrong with my template. the big picture on top of it all (i mean, the one on the top..damn) does not pop out. grr. and i was loving this template already. hmm... maybe its time for me to change things up. thanks for the maker of this template. it was good until it lasted. i loved the green so much. :)

anyways, i was just browsing through blogskins and i haven't found anything that'd suit my taste. 'coz im still in love with this skin. duh...wahat happened xe sa chuva na pic...haai.

by the way, im already pretty tired but i have so many things to say. where to start? where to start?

1. uhh...still don't know where to start..

maybe ill just make the updates some other time. i really need sleep.

i just have the monday off for this week but i still have to go to class that day. ok. such joy, right? but i do enjoy this life. plus, my baby mattie and i are ok now. so what else is there to bother me (home...) well, i didn't really care that much about home so why would i care or it now? sigh.

before i let this post put well, on post, i just wanna give a BIG SHOUT OUT to my baby... THANK YOU for YOU!

(he surprised me yesterday with a long-stemmed rose the color of my shirt just as i was making my last call in the office. it was...overwhelming when i saw his friend handcarry the rose to me. everyone was looking at em and all and...aah. i felt really really special at that moment.

more of this next time. much more.

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