last post of the year

you don't need all the colors to feel festive.

HAMPEENEWYEAR!!!!

hugs and kisses and stardust wishes to everyone.

                                 -stargirl/lor/loreen/lors

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"the best time to find yourself is when you're lost."

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it is.

"it's okay to feel GOOD."

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still.

it's still here. yes, you are. and i did try to push all of it away. i really did, and i am still trying. 
it's just hard drowning in tears  you know you didn't want to shed. but they fell anyway, no matter how many times you try to force them back in, they would always find their way out.
it's never been the same. i want to say i'm doing just fine. i want to know i am doing just fine.
it's  hard to stay and see you still. memories i didn't know i could keep come rushing in.


i just want to say goodbye and really mean it.
but i don't think i can, as of yet.

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inconsistencies and inbetweens

you occupy me,

your pen moves
and i wonder if you're
tracing
my words or writing my name
on air./

you sit with spread arms and
i wonder if you mean
come hither to./

then

you stutter your way
through,

you wound your way
around,

...

past










past me.

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stars and satellites

i learned about satellites just a few weeks ago,
so i always made it a point to count them when i'm out.















i asked for 5 satellites.
i saw six.

.......


i saw another shooting star today.
i just saw one yesterday.














and yes, i wished on both.

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post hiatus.

yay, i just found out blogger is not a restricted site. here at the office, i mean.

OMG.

ilavit. as such, i'll be able to update my blog. finally. after what, hmm..7 months?

OMG.

my blog is on life support because of that facebook. tss. i'll keep you alive my dear berry baby. superhug.

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Paris and her search for a new BFF

i'm not sure if this reality show has ended and if paris has found her new bff but really now, you have got to be kidding me.

a reality show to find a new BFF.

"let's see who passes and who fails" - paris

wow. f me now.

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High School I Miss :)

1.) Anong reason mo kay Ms. Gabor pag nalelate ka?
di ko xa naging teacher

2) Chinecheck ba kung knee-length skirt mo?
lahat naman eh

3) Anong ID color mo?
alam ko first year green tapos blue tapos red then blue ata ulit?!

4) Kumakanta ka ba ng St. Scholastica’s Hymn?
sa isip :)

5) Anong mga violations ang nagkaron ka?
violation..hmm...hahaha..

6) Nahuli ka na bang natutulog habang First Friday Mass?
hindi tulog, kwentuhan :)

7) Nakasuot ka ba ng Gala uniform?
may ganun ba?

8) Sinong partner mo nung Grad Ball?
wala kaming grad ball.

9) Nakausap mo na ba si Ms. Dayag?
oo kinuwento niya ung tungkol sa lovelife nya hahahaha

10) Nakabasag ka na ba ng instruments sa Chem/Physics lab?
ata..feeling ko meron hahaha

11) Sinong kasama niyo sa interaction?
wala rin kaming interaction eh

12) May memorable experience ka ba nung Graduation?
oo. muntik na akong hindi umabot sa line at masaraduhan ng gate.

13) San ka kumakain tuwing break?
madalas habang naglalakad :)

14) Anong pangalan ng mga naging Kada mo?
azhe, sam, rhia, mancx, kaye, pat, fineza :) xka nung 4th year my buttercups :)

15) Anong mga naging color mo nung Sports Fest?
alam ko 4th yr red tapos naging yellow at blue din ako pero never green. twice akong blue.

16) Anong mga naging section mo nung HS?
therese(ms.sierra), rita(sino nga ba adviser nun??), mechtilde(anu name ni bobbit?cruz!tama ba?), veronica (si mrs. mackay!)

17) Nakapunta ka ba ng S’mall?
naman!

18) Nahuli ka na bang nakaupo sa mga lockers?
hindi xempre pero umuupo ako minsan

19) Ano pinakamahirap na subject mo?
bio!xka cle nung 3rd year aarg.

20) Naging teacher mo ba si Sir Pascual?
oo naman haha kaya nga geom lang ung math na hindi ko na enjoy weeee :O

21) Ilang teachers na ang napaiyak ka?
nye wala naman

22) Na - aksidente ka na ba nung HS ka?
hindi naman, buhay at buo pa naman ako ngayon

23) Ano ang laging kinakain mong pagkain sa canteen?
carbonara! xka kwek kwek hahaha. p25 ung carbonara nun diba

24) In general, love mo ba high school life mo?
oo at gusto ko ulitin :)

25) Sumali ka ba sa theater play?
hindi naman

26) Dancer ka ba nung high school?
nyek hindi no

27) Naging class officer ka ba nung HS?
hindi naman

28) Favorite subject mo nung HS?
AA, english, 3go, at english pa :)

29) Saang gate ka pumapasok?
gate 3. commute ako lage :)

30) Anong mga clubs mo?

BH 1st, 2nd at 4th year xka TuTa 3rd year at 4th year :)

31) Pinaka - namimiss mo nung HS ka?
ang dali ng buhay sobra

32) Nagkikita pa ba kayo ng mga classmates mo nung high school?
iba iba random faces at different places.

33) May naging boyfriend ka ba na taga-Marist?
nyek no.

34) Anong madalas mong binabato sa classmates mo?
hindi naman ako nambabato haha

35) Anong mga naging class numbers mo?
35, 31, 33, 33 (ata)

36) Anong favorite number mo dati?
3

37) Ilan ang naka-away mo ng lower batch?
hahaha si palaka ba un?hahaha ewan meron lalo nung 4th year kasi may umaway kay 1a at cath nun haha pati si fineza inaway din aya un haha

38) Sinong mga naging crush mo?
may ganitong tanong haha

39) Kasali ka ba sa banda nung HS?
hindi ah.

40) Kung totoong Scholastican ka, sino ang kambal ni St. Scholastica?
si St. Benedict. kaya nga "come loyal benedictine children" :)

-galing kay kl. haha ang forever seatmate ko kapag based sa class number kasi ordona xa ako ordono.hahaha

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in love. in you.

got this from patice dearie..at naman, baby din ang tawag ko sa kanya kaya di ko na kelangan palitan hehe :)

My baby...

Let me borrow a jacket when I was cold
Pulled out a chair for me to sit in
Held a door open for me
Pushed my hair back away from my face
Let me hack his/her Xanga
...His/her Facebook
...His/her Myspace
Waited for me to get online just so we could talk
Shared a drink with me
Bought me lunch
Bought me food
Made me food
Let me cry on his/her shoulder
Taken care of me while I wasn't feeling well
Given me a backrub
Given me a foot massage
Rubbed my head when I had a headache
Called me beautiful
Called me gorgeous
Called me hot
Called me cute
Called me sexy
Given me a compliment
...And meant it
Bought me chocolate
Bought me flowers
Bought me jewelry
Driven me places
Taught me new things
Fed me. Literally
Dropped everything to see me
Made a promise to me
...And kept it
Tucked me into bed
Watched a movie s/he didn't like with me just because I liked it
Taken me to a theme park
Respected me
Trusted me
Remained faithful
Remained loyal
Walked me home
Walked far just to see me
Showed me off to his/her friends
Snuck out to see me
Gotten in trouble for me
Lied for me
Protected me
Stood up for me
Said "I love you"
...And meant it
Never cheated on me
Paid for dinner
Taken me to watch the starry sky from a rooftop
Kissed me on my forehead
Kissed me on my nose
Kissed me on my neck
Kissed me on my hand
Kissed me on my lips
Kissed me in the rain
Kissed me under fireworks
Kissed me on a rooftop
Hugged me from behind
Bear-hugged me
Hugged me and refused to let go
Picked me up off the ground
Carried me
Tossed me into the air
Held hands with me
Surprised me
Supported me in decisions i've made
Helped me mend a broken heart
Called me just to say "I love you"
Texted me just to say "I love you"
Written me a sweet note/letter
Gone shopping with me even though s/he didn't like it
Done countless favors for me
Chosen to be seen in public with me despite my crazy side
Comforted/consoled me
Made a complete fool of him/herself to make me smile/laugh
Did anything to make me smile/laugh
Let me cry on his/her shoulder
Reassured me that things would be okay
Cheered me up
Told me I was his/her one and only
Made me feel special
Listened to me vent
Not pressured me to do something I didn't want
Apologized when s/he was wrong
Been patient with me
Literally wiped my tears away
Figuratively wiped my tears away
Tickled me excessively
Burned me a CD
Slow danced with me
...To no music
Been in an "I love you more" argument with me
Sung to me
Let me use him/her as a pillow
Held me and kept me warm
Accepted me completely for who I am, flaws and all

ahh..love.

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coffee shop observation one

even when two people know each other, they don't really try to make the effort of sitting together. they simply acknowledge the other person's presence and after the customary exchange of hi's, well, that's just about it.

everyone really is just trying to enjoy their coffee without all those forced conversations.


although not everything forced on you turns out bad.

hmm.

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in love.

[this is from iya's page. :)]

Can you answer 50 questions about the 1st person that comes into your mind right now?
Don’t change the person.


Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
yes.

How old is the person?
Twenty one

Has he/she ever cooked for you?
yep. (fried anything, anyone? :)

Is this person older than you?
just by a couple of months

Have you ever kissed this person?
yes.

Are you really close to him/her?
yes.

How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
everyday.

Do you think they will repost this?
knowing him, i don't think so.

Could you live with this person?
we practically live together already.

Why did you choose this person?
just because.

How long have you known this person??
we go way back june 1994, so around 15-16 years :)

Have you ever been to the mall with this person?
yes.

Have you ever had a sleepover with this person?
every night.

If you ever moved away would you miss this person?
i wouldn't really want to move away,but yes.

Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person?
haha. yeah.

Do you know everything about this person?
in a way.

Would you date this person’s siblings?
nope, not really.

Have you ever made something with this person?
yes! and not just some "thing" :)

Have you ever worn this person’s clothes?
yes. shirts, shorts, undies (eew i know but those were clean i swear), polo, pjs.

Have you and your person made up a hand shake?
no. it'd be funny if we see each other and then start shaking hands, come on.

If it was “freaky friday” would you switch bodies with this person?
of course. i've wondered about that more than twice.

Have you ever heard this person sing?
yes and oh boy can he sing!

Do you know this persons f'ster password?
yes.

Have you and this person ever gotten into a fight?
yes.

Have you and this person gone clubbing?
we're not into that. i mean, we'd drink but not go partying.

Do you know how to make this person feel happy?
yes. i do.

Do you and this person talk a lot?
every chance we got.

Do you like this person?
so much.

Do you want to go out with this person??
yes.

Do you want to be friends with them forever?
we're each other's best friends. hear that, BEST friends. and we already have our forever.

Who is this person?
byh. :)

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an invitation

words don't come to me the way they once used to. my mind keeps on drawing blank page after page. my pen doesn't bleed as much as it can anymore.


and i feel as if i should be learning something from this.

yet all i can do us wonder. and guess. and search the skies..for answers to questions i can't even rightly put to word.

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dayoff

it's early morning and late at night. a convergence of what's left of the night's sighs and the day's youth.

to her right he sits, almost unmoving, except for a few flicks of the wrist, a few twitches of the eye, a deep breath. inconsequential movements.

maybe.

the keys are tapped. the clock ticks.

tap tap tap. tic-tock. tic-tock. tap tap tap.

the sounds are unaccustomed with each other. even though they resonate almost at the same time, occupying the same sphere in which he and she are in.

seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years had seen them by. along with someone else's birth, along with someone else's final act, along with a world-ful of stirred, hit, pulped consciousness.

and they remain still. him always her right. unflustered, unruffled. they hold, at a glance, a kind of tranquility which is almost always never put to words.

however the word serenity seems almost too disturbing to use.

perhaps.

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daybreak

he would sit still after coaxing her to wake up. he wouldn't budge her. he wouldn't force her into anything she wasn't ready to do. and right now, it was getting up and out of bed.

5 minutes.

he went outside and prepared her a whole wheat breakfast. he turned on the coffee maker dropped a few beans. he set the table. he turned the tv on. basketball. his only guilty pleasure. nothing follows.

he goes back to the kitchen and pours a cup for himself. he takes another and in goes a couple of cubes of sweetener. he looks at the clock and walks back to the bedroom door he left ajar.

5 minutes.

time's up. he slips into bed with her and puts a strand of hair behind her ear. he looks at her gently, slowly, as if any more would seem wheedling her already. he then kisses her forehead, her half closed lids, her nose.

her eyes open slightly and her lips part into a smile.

the sun comes pouring in at the exact moment her mouth decided to expose their pearly whites, a movement which came upon him suddenly. and all thoughts of fresh toast are left in the oven, to simmer while the world stops. and the tic and tock came unhurriedly. and all arrangements of the day get stranded in between the sheets and the world waiting beyond it.

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things amiss

my best friend blogged about how 'a cab ride is the loneliest place on earth' and i got into thinking about the many cab rides i've had.

and for a while there i thought yeah it does get a bit lonely although you don't really get to think much about it especially if you are in a cab because you are running late for work and all you would ever really think is 'how slow can this driver go?' and then SILENTY get mad because there is no saying if he would deliver you to your destination if you suddenly burst a nerve right there and then in his car. and of course you think, 'that's not gonna be good.' so you sit still and keep those anger-ridden thoughts and homicidal plots to yourself and wait.

and then i am shook out of my reverie with the word.

wait.

now i think i'm getting my best friend with her statement and that probably is just about one of this year's understatements.

it is really a bit lonely having to commute alone. more so if you are leaving your comfort zone for some place you have to go to because you are obliged to and not because you simply want to.

although like my best friend, it's not the destination that makes you think hard and deep about this. it is the travel that makes you feel more alone.

i am the type of person who sits by the window every single time. i have to be at the seat by the window. it's mine. and everyone whom i have traveled with can attest to the fact that i can be a charmer just to get the seat. why? because the view by the window is something i look forward to.

and if you're alone and inside a cab whose radio is on this god-forsaken station, you drift someplace else when you look outside the window. most likely, if you are going to a place you usually go to, the view can be quite a bit mundane and ordinary and you might even have gone to some of the places crossing your sight.

and

looking outside, memories come flooding you in a rush and you are swallowed by the big wave even before you actually can blink. a coffee shop where you used to stay cramming about a presentation or simply chilling out for hours on end; a restaurant you used to frequent for the juiciest steaks at the lowest prices; a street where your friend's house used to stand; a mall you used to frequently visit; the church you used to go to for sunday mass...the list goes on. all these places you used to visit has a haunting feel to it.

used to.

and that's when the loneliness starts kicking in. that's when you start thinking more of how, when you were in such and such places, you felt at ease; how, when y ou were at such and such places, you were at your happiest; how, when you were at such and such places, your hand was held and how your hair was tucked behind your ear and how your lips were kissed lightly and how your cheek was brushed gently and how your eyes were stared into, lovingly so.

and you miss.

you miss someone. you miss the place. you miss the feeling. you miss the warmth. you miss the cold. you miss the promissory call. you miss the word that came from your mouth. you miss the stolen glance. you miss the wave goodbye. you miss your name, handwritten on a pad. you miss that someone who wrote your name. you miss someone.

and you are sucked dry by all of it. for the life of you, you cannot imagine how you got to where you are supposed to, or if and how you paid the cab driver at all. and you forget how you were already running late. and you forget that you had tons of things to do. and you forget you hadn't had a bite to eat. and you forget how to breathe. just for a moment. you forget.

you forget everything else except that which you want to forget.

and you wish you hadn't rode on that cab at all.

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cold words. hot weather.

this day is just so hot. i cannot believe we are seriously entering such a hot summer. don't get me wrong i am in love with summer. it is my favorite season. and if only it wasn't so nice to have to cuddle during the rainy season and if only the rain wouldn't provide so much metaphors then i do think that summer should be our only season. anyway, yeah it's so effing hot.

plus i had so much stuff to do today. which, fortunately i was able to do. there was that settling my credit card bill, paying the school application fee, arranging stuff for the book, and making a lot of phone calls. i'm tired and it's just a little past three in the afternoon.

that i think is why i'm blogging. and i'm trying my very best to write. and write and write. so even if i'm just basically ranting and chalking up such nonsense, i have to do this. i need to write and write and write. i cannot lose my words. not now. not ever.

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revolutionary ashes

every prick of blood marks the breaking of a freshly dug grave unto the cements of nowhere.

as the skin starts to unfold, the story of a permanent landscape of blues and browns, of yellows and reds, all colliding to form the perfect hue of the horizon, embarks us to trek the road to a known place seeking to constantly renew itself.

how can we be victims of figures we know nothing of? how can we be victims of states we know very little of?

...

bug the mark has been done. the tattoo now breathes life as a reminder of permanence, of indestruction, of sighs on being forever writ.

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cry

"crying can help let the sadness out." - Mary Mary

..but then it doesn't really solve anything, though. you let go of the sadness but that doesn't mean you're an instant pot of happy hormones.

then again,

there's nothing left to do but cry. you've put yourself out more than a couple of times and it doesn't help that you've been let down more than the number of times you even dared tried.

next stop?

you either soak yourself in a warm tub, cue the sad music and let some more of those teardrops flow, or, binge on chocolates - the bittersweet kind.

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06.21.08

she stood outside, watching the heavy drizzle dampen everyone's spirits - especially those who just came in for work. she couldn't imagine having to have to work in this weather.

she was then overwhelmed with a sudden gratefulness to those asses who made her schedule. with the way the weather kept on acting, it made it too comfy to think of home.

(what's home for her, again?)

but she tries to clear her head. she tries to patiently continue her stance. she tries her hardest to wait. 15, 30, 60 minutes more. she waits and waits some more.

when she's all up and ready to leave, he's here. and she realizes

sorry doesn't really cut it, does it?

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10 random things

Rules:
1. Each blog starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
2. Bloggers that were tagged need to write on their own blog
about their ten things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people
to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged,
and to read your blog.

Random Things about me...

1. i scribble in reverse

2. i suffer from wanderlust

3. i converse with myself..most times.

4. i'm always in love

5. i can be a big freaking bitch

6. i always have to have dessert. always.

7. i can't sleep lying on my back

8. i act really good in real life

9. i have 8 ear piercings

10. i still wish on stars


it, you're tag!

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moulin rouge hangover

She had gone to the depths of his nightmares. She will be made the STAR. Diamond necklaces, rings of ruby, and the freedom of a lady in waiting.

She used her talent to hurt me. She made me believe but she still can't afford to love.

Another failed romance.

She waited for this long to continue the show. After curtainfall, my heart has stopped beating and she's through and leaving.

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open letter to mrs B

(it's such a shame i have to use the letter B i loved the letter long before "para kay b" came out. anyway..)

hi B.

i've taken a hiatus i know but hey, look here. this bitch is back. so you better get the hell out of my way. or no, wait. stay put. i'll have someone kick you out. trust me. i won't let my hands get dirty just because of you. 

kisses, i cant wait.

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just stop.

stop telling me i m childish. you don t know who i am and how i act and how i feel. and maybe that s the reason behind all these, you don t know.

and you don t bother to know.

but it s okay since i m at the point in my life where i don t get myself as well. and you trying to know me then would probably just confuse you in the same way it confuses me.

i m trying to get my head cleared. (and my blog filled. jk.)

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going out. looking in.

escapism. when problems bring you down, you tend to want to just get away from it all. to simply be alone. to be with yourself. to think. to get some sleep. to clear your head. to crowd your bed.

so you escape.

confusion. when you detach yourself from everything and everyone, that's when you find yourself in that limbo state. you find yourself more stuck into thoughts and indecision and all you want to do is hide. again,

but hiding is not an option. (nag-escape ka na, hide ka pa, ano ka, diyos?)

choice. when you don't understand yourself, you're faced with making a decision of whether you get out of that state and do something or start running away. you know you want to get away from that state but you don't want to run away.

so you fight.

faith. when you're left with nothing else and no one else by your side, you break down. you crumble to pieces and you fall. but you try to hang on to the littlest bit of yourself that's still intact. you try to hold on. you try to pull on a string of faith and put on a strong face.

you try.

and you don't give up. you keep trying until you find who you are and what you need and what you have and what you want. you keep trying to separate the haves, the needs and the wants. you look at the people around you, the places you are in, the time you have and the time you spent and how you spent it. and when you find nothing, you look inside.

and you find inside you your safest haven.

the sad part is MY safest haven is empty. and cold.

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